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I decided to do a public blog to share my experiences of living with narcissistic mother, and a self absorbed family.  It is not necessary for me to write the details of the trauma I experienced, but I will give you some general background about my family and the family dynamics.

I have been on this journey for 35 years, and a week ago today I began no contact with my mother.  For the last several years it has been very limited contact with my family of origin. I have gone no contact in the past with mother, but have gone back.  I contacted mother a few months ago when I first started developing neurological symptoms.   I missed family, but it was not mother I was missing.  It was my brother I missing.  I have come to a difficult realization it was his love I was reaching for all these years.  My brother committed suicide in 1992,  (my brother)

My narcissistic mother lives in a distorted world.  She makes everything to be about her, and the cycle continues in the family.  Maybe I should be grateful the I was the “scapegoat” in the family, and that made me want a different kind of life. 

Growing up was a very hard life.  Mother continues to not take any accountability, and wants to pretend that we are a “normal family.”  We were far from normal.   After my oldest brother married, my mother had an affair and left me with my two brothers and a father who was physically and mentally ill.  At the age of eight I had to grow up. 

At the age of 15, I was sexually abused  and moved in with my mother and step-father.  MOre abuse and neglect…   My stepfather was an alcoholic. I was nothing more than a teenage boarder that they humiliate.  Several psych hospitalizations during this time…   I felt so alone; I missed my mom.  Turns out it was my oldest brother I was missing, NOT mother.

God blessed me with a wonderful friend; when I was nine He put an older friend in my life.   She moved away, and we have always stayed in contact.  In my teens, she always took me in when I needed a place to stay.  I would always go back to my mother.  Why do we go back???    She is older and she is the one my daughter calls “grandma.”  She has been my angel since the age of nine, and I am so grateful God put her into my life.   

After my last conversation with my mother, I realize I have to put my biological family in the past. Nothing good comes out of contact with my mother, or any of my family.  My family lacks empathy and their behaviors continue with each generation.  My sister developed some of my narcissistic mother’s traits,  and they worked together to try to sabotage my goals.    A family does not sabotage one another.  A family supports and encourages; therefore, they are not my family.   

“Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.”

— Oprah Winfrey

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Hello world!

“Hello world!” is what WordPress automatically names each first test post on a new blog, and I couldn’t think a more appropriate title for my first post.   I want to share my experiences about having a narcissistic mother, and a father who clearly showed signs of a sociopath.

This blog is about my journey and healing from the effects of toxic parenting.  This blog is about how anger only destroys us, and everyone around us.   This blog is not about blame; it is about “letting go” of the past and taking control of my own life.